The Moon’s Bloodstained Mirror

What You Kill, You Carry

some goodbyes are easy. a hello and goodbye the first time you meet someone. a small deal in the grand scheme. some goodbyes jerk your heart off until your eyes come. some are a whisper. some goodbyes are complete darkness. they leave us at a loss of what we did wrong, what we don’t have. other goodbyes will be the last time your hand touches theirs. the last time your lips lock into an official DNA swap that triggers your mind to overdose in memories. you won’t even know it. you won’t know it’s the last time.

a goodbye is not always so simple. it leaves a sour taste on the tongue. it leaves a bubbling poison in our bellies while revenge knocks at our door. the goodbye proves to us what we’ve known all along or what we didn’t. love with conditions is what most of us have. everything’s conditional, transactional, conceptual. sometimes our goodbyes come with dark clouds carved with a blunt axe. chiseled storms cultivate themselves in our chest showing everyone how strong we are. and it waits. it waits for the perfect moment to show everyone how heavy our heart actually is, to show everyone that we are flawed. that we are angry. that sometimes intrusive thoughts win. but whatever has been carved has the ability to crumble.

if i could take back anything, it would be how i said goodbye. too many goodbyes to count. too many goodbyes slither through my hollow bellied hands. all the things i should have said are always in the ring with the things i didn’t say. but nothing wins a gloves off tournament like the things i shouldn’t have said. no one can take that trophy. no one can throw a punch quite like the mouth of a heavy weighted heart. no one can defend the heart like a tongue with talons tucked behind flesh hungry fangs. it goes down like milk and comes back curdled in our throats.

regret is a slow blooming bruise, spreading beneath the skin long before the goodbye has left your lips. some people i wish i could hug again. or kiss again. or fuck again. like i mean it this time. in my heart, i know. in my heart i understand why people leave, why people die, why people seek revenge. oh god help me, i want my heart made for understanding. my heart fights to cleanse the thoughts an ancient mind rather defile. a mind digs a grave that the heart must bedeck in love-laced lily of the valley. my heart visits the dark place where many have rotted forever in the back of my mind. she dances on their graves and makes love to the soil. she sits on their tombstones and tells jokes of past times.

“hey, remember when…”

i will set your sails with a smile. i will shake your hand and tell you there are better sirens in the sea. i will understand your purpose in my life with unconditional understanding and i will try my hand in unyielding love. i will wave my hand from the shore, and see you off with greatness. i will pour our ashes into the ocean and let the waves wash us of our wicked hearts. i will spill our remnants into the moon’s blood stained mirror and let the waves tear us apart one last time. forgive me for the salt in my throat and i will forgive you for the venom in yours.