The Version of Me You Never Meant to Meet
How love uncovered the person survival tried to bury.
i think about you all the time. i don’t know how to remove you from my skin. i don’t know how to remove you from my blood stream. where does one go from here? dreams and reality bled into each other like two oceans sharing a world and i can’t figure out where i begin and you end. i don’t even think i’d want to know that answer.
it’s never enough.
life and ego. reputation and society. practical day to day responsibilities have become the enemy to what i want. but every time i see myself, i know the truth. i know how much i’ve contributed to my own self undoing up until this point. bobbing and weaving my past like oncoming traffic. trying to ignore their road rage and speed limits and rearview mirrors. hoping it will get me in your passenger seat. hoping you’ll put my seatbelt on and give me a kiss on my forehead. you’ll tell me where we’re going has stuffed animals and blankets and horror movies. but you’re not here and the car isn’t moving.
i’ve driven myself here, only to realize i never quite knew how to drive at all.
this is the first time i’ve crashed. the first time the airbag finally popped open to tell me no. the first time the wrong turn cost me something more than what i’d been protecting. that’s what happens when we drive away. we want to be somewhere else. someone else. something else. but there are too many cars on fire. i can’t put them out. all i see is your face in the sky. like you’re watching me. disappointed. underwhelmed. looking at me like a defiant child, wishing i was somewhere else, someone else, something else.
i just wanted to be yours. i wanted to know what that looked like. and i did, for a short time. if you’re wondering, it was the best thing i’ve ever felt. i was a little girl again. i appreciated that so much. i was full of giggles and nectar and all the things money can’t buy. i was full of you. and although you didn’t create that version of me, you did reveal her.
i’m sorry my past could’ve been the detriment to your future.
we do crazy things to survive. we create egos, armor, verbal weapons and new characters. like putting on an iron man suit or wearing a halloween mask. that’s what happens when the vulnerable self can’t drive the ship anymore. you find yourself breaking down in the middle of the ocean, letting tears and vomit and screams fill the sea like it’s all you were ever made of. there’s always a monster below asking if you need them but never verbally. it claws at the wood, leaving gashes on the sides and edges. until it becomes your protective violence. until there are holes in your boat and you have no choice but to let the monster carry you. i hope you never have to do that. i hope you always feel safe and warm where there’s blankets and stuffed animals and horror movies.
i’m still here, you know? i haven’t gone anywhere. not really. i’m sorry i was so short with you. that’s what i do when i feel abandoned. i run. i push. i hide. the little monster always scratching at my boat, asking if i need her again. so i run, i push, and hide her too. sometimes i hold her head under water, hoping she’ll finally drown and leave me the fuck alone. but she’s strong. and i can never quite bring myself to finish the job. no matter how many times i push her under, she can breathe there.
that’s not who i am. you saw me. i don’t know if you remember everything. i remember every tiny detail. so much so i could draw that entire night blindfolded. i could tell you every smell and every conversation and each feeling. please remember the girl you met and not the monster you’ve seen.
you make the monsters go away. i never meant to become yours.