Zero

A Confession I Didn't Owe Anyone

I received an interesting comment today. A girl called me cocky and said I need to be slapped under one of my recent videos.. She said it playfully, but it was an odd way to go about the observation she made. Needless to say, she’s been deleted and blocked.

I’ve had Uranus going through my first house in Taurus for the past 7-8 years. The pieces of me that were there in 2019 are gone. My old appearance is gone. My alcoholism is gone. My old career is gone. Some exes and relatives are now dead, leaving a trail of what if’s and what the fuck’s in my wake. But if I’m being frank, these past years have been Hell in real time. So horrible, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you what has happened to me. I never show my cards on my channel—usually. There are many ways to express my grief, sadness and horrors that don’t have to do with exposing it in front of others that didn’t consent to it. I wear a good mask, whether it’s to protect myself or others. Which is difficult with your moon in the first house. ;)

Once I quit alcohol, I genuinely didn’t know who I was anymore. It was as if pieces of me were being chipped away, pooling around my feet like glass puddles. Believe me, I tried scraping them off the concrete with my bare hands, scrambling to paste them back on my body with cheap glue. That didn’t get me any where either. I saw myself in others, they saw themselves in me. Which doesn’t always work out when you don’t want to face yourself, when you don’t want to confront what you’ve worked so hard to chain inside you like an abomination.

Before I mention this, I’d like to preface that what I’m about to say is not to paint myself as some victim. This is only to state the facts. I have been humbled greatly. In ways many of you couldn’t possibly imagine. I have been abused in about every form you can think of. Many times I was shocked, almost always I stayed too long and sometimes I abused myself. I have been silenced, threatened, lusted after grossly, stalked and harassed to a point where I fell in such a deep depression, I genuinely didn’t know a way out. I felt like all I had was myself. And I didn’t know who that was anymore. The chips had fallen and all I was left with was…whatever this is. I was rebuilding in a toxic environment. Some of that environment was self created, but most of it was imposed upon me.

Along the way, I lost my voice. I lost my personality. I muted myself. I subdued my light, walked with my head down and my posture shaped like a willow tree. I searched for myself in another person, they lost themselves in me and I didn’t want to find them there. It felt like the child had been beaten out of me; over and over again. I had been given a hand from time to time, that felt like hot irons pressed down on my fingers until I had no choice but to let myself burn. I didn’t try to bandage it. I wasn’t drinking anymore so I couldn’t numb it. I had to hold space for it. And sometimes the world blamed me for how I reacted to its cruelties.

But I am a fool. There is no doubt about that. But in tarot, it is the Fool’s journey after all. We start at zero. And that’s where I’m at. I had to make some difficult decisions. Some difficult decisions that cost me. But those decisions are worth my pride. They are worth me finding my voice again, my personality, my spunky inner child that always had her hands in the mud. I’m not asking anyone to accept me. I’m far past that. But I will speak. I will write. I will use my voice and I will not mute my being for anyone’s comfort on this channel.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for supporting me, my work, my channel. And thank you for reading this long ass message. You mean a lot to me and I love you dearly.

Vee